ten covers that should not exist
i love the occasional well-executed cover. a band can really make it their own - as gnr did with knockin on heavens door, urge overkill did with girl, you’ll be a woman soon, and a perfect circle did with the nurse who loved me. but it goes the other way, too. these are ten soul-crushing renditions of classics that will have you reaching for the arsenic. sincerely, i hope none of you reading this are real depressed, because the last few in this list might push you over the edge.
NOTE: MANY OF THESE SONGS HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM YOUTUBE. PROBABLY FOR GOOD REASON. SEEK THEM OUT IF YOU DARE.
10. the cardigans / tom jones - burning down the house (the talking heads)
false alarm, this is awesome. it’s so damn funky. there are several videos of them trying it live, but it’s all lip synching. i think the girl from the cardigans might be deaf though. i mean, if you’ve heard how her name is supposed to be pronounced i think you would agree. it just sounds like how deaf people talk. someone must have heard her try to say it and it’s haunted her career since. anyway, the real reason this made me want to cry is because of tom’s face in the music video.
if you’re bitter and want a 10th bad cover in this list, try the used’s awful version, or mad world by gary jules, or cars by fear factory.
09. sheryl crow - sweet child o mine (guns n roses)
this is just an immediate recipe for failure. like this terrible dream where i’m going to see gnr in 1991, but slash is playing violin and axl is sheryl fucking crow. who told her this was a good idea? why would you ever try to put your own spin on a song like this, which is known more for its performance than composition? and that case isn’t truer for any other band, except maybe ac/dc. but really, nobody in their right mind would do this to ac/dc.
08. shakira - back in black (ac/dc)
real talk, she is no less attractive to me for this - but way more flammable. this is just weird and annoying. it’s not terrible, really, but totally out of her vocal range. she takes it an octave lower, which makes her sounds drugged and lazy. at some point during the performance she realizes she’s blowing it and starts grinding on things to keep the crowd interested.
07. snoop dogg - sad but true (metallica)
“if you know the words to this right here, put your hands in the air”. snoop, put your hand down. you’d think a professional rapper would have some rhythm, but he’s totally doing that thing where if you don’t know the words you kinda stall until you hear the recording or crowd start the next line, and then you catch up. bah.
06. seether - carless whisper (wham)
this band is kind of a mix between nirvana and nickelback, which should have you dry heaving already. it kinda speaks for itself. favorite youtube comment: “If you don’t like it, go suck George Michael’s dick you cum swapping butt faggots.”
05. william shatner - lucy in the sky with diamonds (beatles)
some of the most basic trivia out there is that this song’s title is a sort of play of an acronym of “lsd”. and shatner makes it sound like his veins are packed full of it. this is just supremely weird. the idea of him singing this is hilarious in its own right (especially following leonard nimoy’s amazing work), but there is nothing compelling about spoken word music.
04. bono - hallelujah (leonard cohen)
on paper, bono covering this kinda makes sense; it’s in his vocal range and is easy to imagine him doing a totally standard, average, passable version. but instead, fucking spoken word again, over a bland trip hop beat. this is more offensive than bad.
03. jonas brothers - take on me (a-ha)
this, on the other hand, is bad and offensive alike. i hate these assholes. and they totally leave out the awesome middle section. wow, i can’t believe i’m standing up for a-ha. “they didn’t do justice to the integrity of the original!” but seriously, it’s that bad. favorite youtube comment: “is this for real?”
02. hilary duff - my generation (the who)
this has generated a lot of fuss because she changed the standout lyric - “hope i die before i get old” - to the more disney friendly “hope i don’t die before i get old”. and sure, i wish the same for her. i hope she grows old, and spends most of the time until then in pain, paralysis, depression and shame. this is ear rape. i hate your generation, you tween demon.
01. celling dion - you shook me all night long (ac/dc)
this bitch is the number one reason why “what happens in vegas stays in vegas” is not true. we confined this awful woman to a single cesspool of a town, but apparently what happens in vegas gets pressed to dvd and makes millions of dollars in the “fanny pack and fireworks” demographic. i am actually in disbelief at how annoying this video is. the music is only half the offense. look at her rock gestures. the air guitar and facial expressions and hi fives and how many times she says “yeah girlfriend”. favorite youtube comment: “ok i think im going to go chop my head off”
